Bonus Sin: No alarm clocks were
invented to wake them at the beginning of the movie even though
Hansel and Gretel have suspiciously weaponry advanced for someone
living in a medieval fairy tale setting
The “man of reason tries to calm
crowd with logic, but other asshole spews crowd with paranoia”
cliché
Sheriff has hilarious accent that
nobody in the audience takes seriously
Sheriff wears nose covering after
Gretel headbutts him in the face, but is later shown without it after
Gretel bites his nose.
Bonus Sin: The sheriff can never be as
badass as the Governor from “The Walking Dead”
Gemma (actress playing Gretel) does a
good masking American accent though sometimes she attempts to
replicate the “tough Michelle Rodriguez” accent
Messenger sent by witch explodes into
gore upon arrival; long ridiculous name of that spell included
Blood Moon gathering is supposed to
make witches invincible? A blood moon actually occurs every six years
so the witches should have killed Hansel and Gretel six years ago,
but haven't done so for no reason
Bonus Sin: Is it like some power
recharge event for witches like an Apple Store for a broken Ipad?
Then they must be some lunasynthetic witches
There's record players to lure witches
in the medieval times yet broomsticks run by magic. I think
“Mechanical” would be a better M-word for it
The “guy chasing flying object while
hanging on a wire attached to that object while sliding on the
ground” cliche
The “person smacks into a tree after
a vehicle is flipped in mid-air” cliche
Minor character (Jackson) proves his
usefulness to the twins by tasering a witch, but later gets his head
blown off by Grand Witch (RIP Jackson)
The town actually keeps files on EVERY
individual in the town. You know with a society that has advanced
technology such as weaponry and record players, but still has witch
crazes you'd think this town would be more progressive than like I
don't know some TYPICAL medieval town?
If the witches are working to steal a
girl born on April for their Blood Moon sabbath, then why randomly
blow up a f****** house in plain sight instead of using the element
of surprise? Those are some dumb witches
And I know they might use that to
distract the townspeople in order to steal the kid, but seriously you
blew up somebody's house. The owner's going to have to deal with life
insurance. Witches are assholes
Defending boy's gun barrel is directed
with a witch's spell toward mother and is shot through the window.
Witches are still assholes
“I'm not a good shot, that's why I
have a shotgun” Pointless unbadass quote
How did the troll manage to sneak into
the town in plain sight during the attack? What poor excuse will it
be: It's nighttime?
Hansel beating up a witch with a bottle
of children's milk HILARIOUS
Gretel's blood is the “last
ingredient” to the sabbath? For every Blood Moon meeting why
couldn't the witches kill her for this purpose in the first place.
Also, this is never mentioned again later in the movie which makes
this scene utterly pointless
The “male character cares for unconscious badass woman and touches breast, but badass woman catches
pervert's hand in act and holds it hostage” cliche
“Not so hot, not so cold, but just
right” A pointless allusion to a fairy tale
Bonus Sin: This makes the audience
wonder why couldn't the title be changed to “Hansel and Gretel
Hormone-Raging Bear Hunters” as bears were mentioned two times in
the movie
Revelation: Mom of twins turns out to
be a witch...kind of predictable
Hansel fitting into the “charming and
joking toward the ladies male character” role
Farmer falls in love with white witch,
bear Hansel and Gretel, potion in Blood Moon is key to being immune
to fire...now all there needs to be is a potion that keeps them
immune for decapitation, freezing waters, and other dangerous hazards
that could easily kill a witch, key to potion is White Witch's heart,
Grand Witch stirs rumors, angry mob surrounds house, dad takes
children to safety in the woods, mob hangs dad once he comes back in
front of white witch being burned on a stake...that's totally f*****
up
Wands don't protect witches in Blood
Moon gathering so Mina (another white witch) suggests blessing
something...they bless ammo and guns, HALLELUJAH FIREARMS!
Supposedly invisible wire traps for
flying witches. This is just like Home Alone...for witches?
HEY IT'S WITCH-CON!
Bonus: “That's a lot of witches”
Thanks Hansel for stating the obvious
Corny Blood Moon transformation CGI
effects
Grand Witch makes “dramatic” no
more witch persecution/our time has come speech cliche
Grand Witch says “Finish him” cliche. A way to rip off from Mortal Kombat Miss Shang Tsung.
Oh look it's the Gatling Gun Witch
Massacre from whenever the f*** this movie takes place
Wow a witch uses a “witch” shield
unto gunfire to save herself...still an asshole.
If the Grand Witch followed Hansel and
Gretel through their lives once they survived their ordeal with the
witch in the candy house, why did it take a long f****** time for the
grand witch to catch up to them? She could have killed them when they
were young and vulnerable and save her race all the trouble to be
hunted down by a pair of magic-immune witch hunters. Wow you are so
dumb.
Mina the white witch had a wand all of
this time and never told Hansel about it? WTF?! She could have
blasted all of those witches in the gathering with that weapon
instead of Hansel going down there, risking his life with a simple
shotgun...What a selfish b****
I've got to admit Mina you're great at
shooting your dark sisters with a gatling gun with accurate
precision, but believe me you are TERRIBLE at being a witch! No
wonder you got killed easily by the Grand Witch near the end of the
movie you jerk off!
Three shotgun blasts to the Grand Witch
and she still stands and beats the crud out of Hansel with a
shovel...WHAT?
Bonus: “Finish her already” Yet
another pointless MK quote
